


The Blackest Day.

by reidbyers



Series: Honeymoon Series. [11]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1950s, F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 22:24:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12397473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reidbyers/pseuds/reidbyers
Summary: You had convinced Spencer to spend more time with you, and since you were unsure if this would be the last time you were prepared to make it count. Spencer on the other hand wasn’t so eager and had his focus set on not letting you scoop him back into your life for whatever reason you wanted him again; resisting you being one of the most difficult things he had ever done.





	The Blackest Day.

The whole city felt like it with vibrating with life, a steady humming as the folk who much preferred the secrets the night held came out, the clubs and streets slowly filling up with those who had long days and wanted to relax, the younger generation buzzing with adrenaline. New York was becoming the centre of the music industry, which meant that there was always new music coming from somewhere. Whether it be jazz, blues or rock and roll, it was as if there was always a beat running through your veins and causing you to tap your feet along with the rhythm. Like any city, it had its faults but for so long it had been the only place you’d never wanted to live.

It felt like those desires you’d kept so tightly to your chest were slowly changing, you no longer felt that tie to your new home. You’d been there for only two years at this point and for the first year you were enthralled, loved your apartment and the glamour it contained within those walls, loved the growing fame you gained while in this place where the people were hungry for gossip and thrived on this new wave of media. It made sense to you to begin with why people cared so much about celebrity gossip, why they crowded around shop windows to watch interviews and stood outside the theatre hoping for a glimpse of the stars. They wanted a taste of that life, like when you have a piece of chocolate and just start craving the whole bar. Back then it made sense, now you were struggling to find that same admiration you had for this kind of life.

This change in viewpoint felt so sudden, it felt like minutes ago that you were begging and scratching your way up to achieve what you had now but you didn’t care anymore. It seemed like all you craved now was comfort, that sense of familiarity which at first you had been running away from. At first you didn’t know what you were searching for, it wasn’t your old home because you couldn’t be more glad to get away from that place but it all made sense to you when you returned into Spencer’s arms, everything about him bringing you into a state of peacefulness. Of course it would be him, once again making you reconsider everything you thought you knew. This wouldn’t be the first time you’d considered a different life style because of him, you weren’t the kind to make decisions like this because of a man but then again he wasn’t just some stranger you had some obscure crush on.

Without him, everything just felt grey. Like there was a rain cloud hovering over you wherever you went, blocking out the sun and subsequently anything else that brought you happiness. It wasn’t as though you were sad, everything in your life could not be more perfect and yet there was that constant feeling of satisfaction, the issue was you couldn’t tell if you just needed more from your life or something different entirely. What was slowly becoming clear was that you needed him, whether you wanted it or not or whether he wanted it or not. You wanted to not have your head be swarmed with thoughts with him, it would be so much easier to get on with your life without the thought of his peaceful face against your soft pillows or the arch of his back when he stretched, pyjama bottoms hanging low on his hips.

You managed to convince him to spend some time with you though, even after mutually agreeing that you shouldn’t for the others benefit. Things had changed though at least for you and you weren’t sure that him staying away was for the best thing for you anymore, nothing felt right without him by your side. For something that had started off so innocently and was only for fun, you were now contemplating changing your whole life for him, every little choice you had made up until him was based purely on your career because it was what made you happiest; that had now changed. Spencer clearly wasn’t as open as you were about rekindling, rightly so after how his life had been flipped upside down in the hopes of keeping yours in tact. You couldn’t be mad, one minute you were treating him like the love of your life and then the next you were screaming at him in an alley about how you weren’t his girlfriend, it was no way to treat someone who had been nothing but kind to you and done everything in his power to make you happy.

The excuse of getting ice cream was partly true as you hadn’t eaten and sweet foods in general made you think of Spencer so at least you could eat some now and not feel bad about thinking about him, but it was more so an escape to avoid going to the after party you had been invited to. For a while you enjoyed putting on the persona of the glamorous, young new starlet but the facade had gotten boring. It had finally come to your realisation that people might not actually like you for you, that they’d much preferred the mask you put on and then they might not actually like you at all, instead just seeing what they could gain from you. With Spencer you’d never felt like you had to be someone else, he brought out the side of you that you worried people might find boring and he had loved it. Maybe that was what this whole thing about, this dream you’d had since you were a little girl, wanting to be loved.

You knew of the perfect parlour to go to, one that would be quiet so that you would not be disturbed but also did good ice cream, at least if things went poorly with Spencer you could drown your sorrows in soft scoop. The reason it was less popular was because it wasn’t as accessible as others, a small family business rather than the money hungry companies slowly filling the city. It wasn’t exactly first date material but that was fine as this wasn’t your first, you were also pretty sure it wasn’t a date. It was still raining by the time the taxi Spencer had previously hailed arrived at the parlour, thankfully the driver was an older man and hadn’t recognised either of you so he made no comments on the drive there. The coat you were wearing and wasn’t yours made for the perfect cover as you hurried inside, heels splashing in puddles. Spencer didn’t mind a little rain, he’d walked through enough to come see you.

It was practically empty apart from an elderly couple sat at one of the booths, tired but well used smiles on their faces. Even after what you imagined were so many years together, they were still finding things to laugh and talk about, still finding the kindest within their hearts to bother sharing with one another even if it was just a milkshake. As you hurried other to one of the plentiful empty booths you glanced at them, the man holding his wife’s small wrinkled hand within his own, rubbing his thumb over her wedding ring. You’d always been scared of getting older, being alone with everything you once had just a thing of the past, it was terrifying. Seeing them though, learning that having someone by your side could make the scariest things seem tame, it was changing the way you viewed everything.

You sat down before Spencer did, you would have usually taken your coat off and not cared if anyone were to stare at the expensive dress underneath but today was different, you were doing everything you could to stay as out of the spotlight as you could. Spencer arrived at the booth a few seconds after you had sat down, shrugging his blazer off and laying it over the back of his seat before sitting down. His curls were damp and even curlier now, a stoic look remaining on his face as he got comfortable and then finally looked over you, still trying to work out what your plan was here.

For the first few minutes there was nothing said, he sat there quietly while you scanned over the brightly coloured menu for exactly what you were craving. Spencer was amazed at his own ability to both want to be here with you and also be as far away from you as he possibly could. It wasn’t because he thought you were a bad person as he knew you weren’t   
but rather he didn’t trust you to not mess with his life, he couldn’t risk his career and the careers of his friends for something that was cloudy and blurred around the lines. He’d thought about everything over and over, each word you shared and he’d come to the conclusion that things would have been so much easier if you’d put your fears aside and let things become official, if you weren’t so terrified of having something stable.

“So, how have you been?” You asked after the woman who had been standing behind the counter waiting for someone to serve came over and took your order, nothing for Spencer but two scoops of vanilla ice cream and one scoop of strawberry for you. It didn’t take her very long at all to complete your order as it was rather simple, the silence hung heavy in the air as you looked across at him and he directed his gaze down at the table, hands fiddling underneath the table. You knew you couldn’t expect things to be exactly how they used to be, months of no contact had passed and when things had ended on a bad foot, was it fair to want him to just put on a smile and talk to you as he used to?

“I’ve been okay.” Spencer didn’t elaborate, he didn’t lie either though. That was exactly how he had been, nothing spectacular but also not drowning in self pity and sadness. In some ways, this mediocre contentment was worse, nothing had felt exciting or worth spending that many emotions on. He appreciated the lack of stress though, in some ways this simple life had more perks than the extravagant life you liked to live but in some ways he missed it. He’d never been the kind of person to want to wake up unsure of what the day would have prepared for him but it had always been a pleasant surprise with you, if only you had been willing to come to some kind of balance. It had been all that Spencer had wanted, now he wasn’t so sure. “And you?” He asked, purely to be polite.

“Good! Things have been wonderful for me, always busy unfortunately.” You answered in a far more peppy tone of voice, trying to compensate for the lack of energy and happiness coming from Spencer. He had every right to still be bothered with how he was treated, but if that were still the case then surely he would have just stayed at home? There was nothing forcing him to come see you, he made each of those footsteps to the theatre and then to the ice cream parlour where you both sat by himself, if there wasn’t a part of him that missed you as much as you missed him then he wouldn’t be sat in front of you. It was that thought that gave you courage, worried to overstep but also knowing that he wouldn’t do it for you. “I missed you, I’m glad you came.”

“What do you want?” Spencer asked bluntly, not wanting to play games or humour you if it meant him getting hurt. It wasn’t as though he wasn’t smart, he knew why you were here playing nice, batting your lashes and all that jazz. He wanted to hear you say it though, hoping that it would somehow make it easier to get over the voice in the back of his head making him think about you all the time. It would give closure, apparently the goodbye you had already shared had not been enough and more was required, even if it was uncomfortable and was not what you wanted. Living in limbo wasn’t what Spencer wanted and he could guarantee you didn’t want that either, everything needed to be cleared up. At first you had been slightly shocked by his exasperated tone but you managed to control it, shrugging your shoulders lightly before eating a small spoonful of strawberry ice cream.

“To see you again, is that a problem?” You said as if it were the most obvious and casual thing in the world, which to you it was. The answer seemed to bug Spencer though, you watched as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and his jaw clenched, not in an angry way but you knew after spending the time with him that you had that it meant he was uncomfortable, his equivalent to biting your tongue to stop yourself from speaking. It had been a rhetorical question and Spencer knew this but he couldn’t stop himself from replying, he was just that kind of person.

“After we cut ties and made a decision not to see each other again? That is a bit of a problem, yes.” He did have a point and you both knew it, instead of putting on a act and coming out with some flirtatious comment about how you couldn’t resist, you just kept quiet. Sometimes the answer was to not say anything at all, not everything needed an answer right away and that was something you were learning. You took the time to process Spencer’s words, letting your taste buds enjoy the taste of the soft ice cream which was almost acting as a comfort blanket for the harsh reality of Spencer’s words.

“I suppose you are right.” You said after a minute or two, hoping that giving Spencer the answer he wanted would make him favourable to you. It wasn’t the dream reunion that you’d hoped for, it was slightly awkward and tension was obvious but if that meant fixing the strange feeling you’d had for months now then it was worth it. “But did you not miss me, not even a little bit? You were aware that it might have sounded as though you were searching for compliments, for Spencer to tell you how awful his life had been without you by his side but it was more so you just trying to understand how he was feeling because from first glance he looked like he would rather be anywhere else, but he made the decision to come along.

Spencer’s expression softened despite not being pleased with your question, as now he had to either lie and say he didn’t and hurt your feelings or confess that he had and give you what you want, both things he didn’t particularly want to do as either way he wouldn’t lose. The woman was so often played as the love sick puppy and maybe that was the case here but Spencer couldn’t help but feel like the damsel in distress, caught up in this mess of a relationship that he both loved and hated, or at least he told himself that he hated it because he felt as though it was what he was supposed to feel.

“Of course I did.” He decided to reply truthfully as it gave him the least amount of guilt, plus he couldn’t deny he enjoyed seeing the way your eyes lit up and you did your best to hide the smile on your face but failed. Even now, he liked to make you feel good, it was something he couldn’t shake the feeling of. “But that does not mean that it would be good for either of us, you must know that?” Missing you was one thing but reconnecting and creating more of a mess was one thing, Spencer had his taste of the fame and had decided that he would much prefer to live a life without it. If you could not then he understood, but if you weren’t willing to change for him why must he do so for you? He was always doing things for people because he didn’t want to disappoint them or because he thought it was the right thing to do, he was finally doing what he thought was right for him even if it didn’t feel so.

“You don’t know what is good for me.” Whatever softness you had was gone, channelling the annoyance Spencer had just possessed. That was another thing you had gotten bored with, people telling you what to do, where to go and who do be. To begin with it made you feel like you had a purpose, like you knew what you were doing when you really didn’t but it didn’t have the same effect anymore. You wanted to make your own decisions, deal with the consequences whether good or bad and fix them accordingly, Spencer may have meant well but he hadn’t been around so how was he to know.

“And you do? Because one second you want me and the next you don’t, as though I’m some toy you can play with when you’re bored and throw away when something more interesting comes along. Well I’m not a toy, (Y/N). If you’re lonely or sad or bored then I’m sorry but I can’t help you, not like this.” You sat there quietly, even more so than you had been before because once again, he was right. Maybe he had been all along, about everything. How were you to tell him that, would he just assume you were trying to return him to your arms and would say anything to do so?

The rain began to pound harder against the windows and the ground, the perfect representation to the mood between you and Spencer. The conversation went flat after that, nothing that could be said would change anything. He had made it clear how he felt and there was nothing you could do about that, your pride still too strong to get you to say sorry for everything you had done but even if you’d said it, you doubted it would be enough. You wanted him back but you couldn’t have him, and after living a life where you got anything you wanted at a snap of your fingers, you didn’t know if things could get worse.

 


End file.
